Undead Hookers
Season 1, Episode 8
First Aired October 24, 2011
Director Austin Reading
Teleplay Matt Lawton
Episode Guide
"Who, What, When, Werewolf... Why"
"Tick, Tick, Boom"

Carla goes undercover as a vampire prostitute, while Billy and Stubeck find that the vamps are using zombies in new and dangerous ways.

Plot SummaryEdit

Cold OpenEdit

While patrolling North Hollywood, Billy's mention of his liking the a micro camera they are starting to swear on their ears to capture their point-of-view turns into a discussion of how predictable Stubeck believes he is. They sudden spot a car ahead that is swerving as though the driver is drunk. While it is not UTF responsibility, Stubeck decides to pull him over due to the safety concerns letting it go would cause. Seeing the driver is male and the passenger is female, Billy that the driver was merely receiving oral sex. When Stubeck asks the driver to step out and have him conduct a drunk driving test, Billy notices that there's blood on the driver's arm. The driver collapses and the female passenger proceeds to bail, making the cops realize that she is a vampire prostitute. While the cops chase after the passenger, a black and white camera on the hood of their patrol car witnesses another female vampire emerge from the back seat of the pulled over vehicle and begin to feed on the unconscious driver.


Captain Dashell opens by explaining that the blood for sex trade is getting worse. He notes that Stubeck and Billy were unsuccessful in capturing vampire prostitute they were chasing after earlier, adding for storytelling purposes that she was chubby and wearing stilettos when only the stilettos part was accurate. As a result of all that is happening, Dashell announces that it is time to fulfill a dream of having Rinaldi go undercover as a vampire prostitute. Rinaldi objects that she never had such a dream when Dashell responded that he wasn't talking about her dream.

John-John asks what he is supposed to do while his partner operates undercover. Dashell responds that he will be watching Rinaldi like an ostrich. John-John tries to correct him that the term is "watch like a hawk," but Dashell counters that ostrich is ideal for its ability to outrun a horse, kick a grown man to death, and beat a hawk in a staring contest. With no further questions or objections, he tells the unit to "get out there and kill something."

Rinaldi and John-JohnEdit

At the station, Rinaldi finishes getting dressed up for her undercover role with any officer she passes by staring at her. Dashell notes that she looks right for the part, making sure that she has her false fangs in. Dashell wants to do some role-playing, but the manner in which he portrays a potential customer immediately makes Rinaldi uncomfortable and she eventually leaves. As she takes off, Dashell calls for Officer Stevens to get him some hemp rope and hot water. John-John waits outside the station. When he sees Rinaldi coming, he is entranced by her look as a prostitute. However, Rinaldi quickly tells him in an angry voice to get in the car while she complains about having to wear stilettos. Once they are in the car, John-John takes his time before Rinaldi tells him to hurry up and drive.

At the Pink Motel in Sun Valley, John-John makes sure the surveillance is up in running while Rinaldi waits impatiently for the customer to arrive. John-John asks where Rinaldi got the outfit from and she replies that it was given to her by Dashell, adding that it was the best of the bunch he supplied. Customer arrives and the operation proceeds. The customer notes that he is usually serviced by Sophia and that Rinaldi's hands feel warm, but she is able to play the part well enough. However, John-John jumps the gun when he thinks the two are about to engage in sex and and proceeds to pin the customer to the wall. Rinaldi questions if John-John is jealous given how she performed as a prostitute and he tries to deny it.

The customer to arrive later is hardly nervous like the last guy. Rinaldi proceeds to play her part with the man calling himself Juan when she notices how cold he feels even though he's still completely clothed in a suit. Rinaldi suddenly slips when she accidentally calls him John-John. She tries to cover, but Juan reveals his knowing she is a cop and attempts to choke her. Witnessing this, John-John jumps into action.

John-John stops from even leaving the desk, despite hearing on the otherside Juan trying to choke out Rinaldi. The camera crew asks why John-John is not busting in with him replying that Juan would kill Rinaldi before he could get a clear shot. Juan begins to tell Rinaldi a message he wants her to deliver to Dashell when John-John gets an idea. Using the sound guy's boom stick against the wall, he picks up the positions of Juan and Rinaldi through the wall. When Rinaldi calls out for John-John, he fires at a point in the wall and then bursts into the room. His shot successfully nailed Juan in the face, disabling him. After John-John and Rinaldi embrace, she asks him how he knew where to shoot Juan to which he admits he didn't. He is about to shoot him again, but Rinaldi instead grabs John-John retractable stake and impales Juan in the heart, killing him. Once everything is calm, Rinaldi asks if John-John is looking at her tits. She rolls her eyes when he answers that he was a little bit.

Stubeck and BillyEdit

Stubeck and Billy report back to North Hollywood, this time responding to a report that a zombie was sighted at a crack-den. Upon arriving at the location, someone crashes through the wooden door. Fortunately, the cops do not fire and realize that he is not a zombie, but rather a crack-head. Believing he would not be able to differentiate a zombie from a crack-head, Stubeck decides to let Billy take lead. While Billy states that he's not a drug-user himself, Stubeck counters that he is really not a drug-user with the implication that he's never taken drugs before.

Officer Davis arrives to take the crack-head they met back to the station. Stubeck encourages the crack-head to participate in a twelve-step program to get sober with Billy attempt to add a likable motivation that he will meet girls with low self-esteem. Just as Davis is taking the crack-head away, a zombie bursts out of the building and attacks Stubeck. Billy is unsure if it's actually a zombie or just another crack-head until Stubeck tells him it is a zombie. Billy shoots at the zombie, causing it to back off Stubeck. It then attacks Davis before Stubeck puts it down with a headshot. Seeing that Davis has had half of his face ripped off, there is a potential that he will turn into a zombie. While Stubeck and Billy debate whether or put him down or not, the crack-head watches Davis take off.

In the car, Stubeck states that he is going to call Dashell and report what has happened. Instead, Dashell calls him and a stunned Stubeck learns that Dashell already knows that Davis is a zombie. After hanging up on Dashell, Stubeck tells Billy that the captain knew because Davis is still wearing his micro camera. Dashell also informed him that Davis is attacking customers at a Blockbuster Video. Billy is surprised that any one still goes to Blockbuster any more.

They proceed to Valley Glen with Billy using his phone to pick up the live feed of Davis' camera. Davis is now apparently wandering the streets, having since left the Blockbuster in a mess. Billy notes that Stubeck has been acting agitated, managing to correctly deduce that Stubeck and his wife got into an argument. Stubeck says she will call her to apologize, although he can't remember what the reason for the argument was while he would later compare the Blockbuster mess to his wife's side of the closet. Billy then has Stubeck pull over so he could view the feed as well. They notice that a hooded man with a backpack is circling Davis, but Davis is not attacking. When the hooded man reappears, he is without his backpack, bares his fangs to show that he is a vampire, and then takes off. Sound guy Jamie, who watches the feed from the back of the car, wonders if vampires have some kind of power over zombies. Billy doesn't think so since such a concept is not used on the show "True Blood," but he is more interested in what happened to the backpack and if the vampire, for whatever reason, put it on Davis.

They make their way to the Mediterranean Kitchen, the apparent location of Davis based on what they can see from the live feed. During the drive Billy tries to use kebab as a pick-up line before the pull into the parking lot. Stubeck notes that Billy trained with Davis and wonders if it will be tough putting him down. Billy responds that he thought of Davis as a tool and will have no problem. As they edge closer to where Davis is supposed to be, they notice something wrong as instead of a zombie they see a car. Approaching the car, Stubeck finds that the camera attached to the car's radio antenna. Billy waves the car off in disappointment, until he tries to use his kebab line with the drive-thru girl. However, the girl responds with disgust and closes the window.

Driving back to the station, everyone is eating kebab with Stubeck upset that they were not able to catch the vampire or Davis. When Stubeck makes the passing comment that he hopes Davis just ends up wandering off and die somewhere, Billy contemplates the thought of zombie suicide. Stubeck calls Billy developmentally challenged, with Billy taking a while before he finally reacts to and shortly after agrees he probably has. Billy then says that there probably wasn't anything important in the backpack and they will therefore not lose too much sleep over it.


The zombie Davis is seen shuffling into Oak's Liquor wearing the backpack. Through the store's security cam, he is about to attack customer when the backpack suddenly explodes. This results in the entire building being blown up with nothing but flames left in its place.

Songs FeaturedEdit

  • "It Ain't Cool" - Christian and the 2120's
  • "All Yall" - Gringo Star
  • "Casper" - Rumspringa
  • "The New High" - Truckfighters
  • "Shine" - Heavy Young Heathens