Season 1, Episode 1
First Aired August 29, 2011
Director Eric Appel
Teleplay Curtis Gwinn (also Story), Eric Weinberg
Episode Guide
"Help Us Help You"

After a vampire is killed in a prostitution sting, Billy is kidnapped. And a seemingly routine zombie kill in a doughnut shop leads to a death among the TV crew.

Plot summaryEdit

Cold OpenEdit

The camera crew catches up to Stubeck and Billy chasing a blonde woman through a convenience store and onto an upper level walkway of an apartment complex. They corner the woman at a locked door when she turns around, revealing herself to be a zombie. Stubeck and Billy immediately put her down with shots to the head. After a moment to catch their breath, Billy notes that the cnvenience store they ran through had choco tacos. When the cops ask if any one on the camera crew wanted to get some, sound guy Rodney proceeds to puke over seeing them put down the zombie.


That evening, Captain Dashell conducts the nightly briefing of the Undead Task Force. He starts by asking if any one knew what tonight is. Everyone raises their hand until Dashell demands that they do not say that it is the season finale of Glee, a show he hates, causing everyone but Rinaldi to slowly put their hands down. Rinaldi answers that tonight is the one year anniversary of the first zombie sighting. Dashell adds that the one zombie sighting would result in more zombies as well as vampires and werewolves appearing in the Valley, which in turn resulted in his vow to eradicate the undead. When Stubeck points out he initially vowed to contain the threat, even noting that it appears above the door, Dashell changes the subject by asking where Billy is. According to Stubeck, Billy is in the bathroom because he ate choco tacos even though he is lactose intolerant.

Dashell reiterates their need to remain on high alert, to remain vigilent, and to make sure the camera crew from Channel Five return home in one piece. Sound guy Rodney tries to provide advice on how they can sound clearer until Dashell shuts him up. Dashell lastly introduces the newest member of the unit, Kirsten Landry. She is very much a rookie that she has not even personally encountered a zombie before. The briefing adjourns with Dashell telling the unit to "get out there and kill something!"

Dashell and KirstenEdit

Dashell and Kirsten remain at the station the entire night doing paperwork. Dashell takes the opportunity to get to know Kirsten, whose name he admits he'll have trouble pronouncing properly. Dashell becomes oblivious that his initial perceptions of Kirsten are incorrect, such as that he did not see her as a golfer when in fact she is a fourteen handicap. More importantly, he does not believe her to be psychologically or emotionally ready to handle the supernatural beings in the city when in fact she is more than anxious to see some action.

Later in the evening, Kirsten gets attacked by a zombie in the station. At the time, Dashell is inside a seemingly sound-proof room with Stubeck. This makes him unaware of the attack or the fact that Kirsten is more than capable of handling herself as she beats up the zombie before finally bashing its brains in with a potted plant, which seems to put it down for good. By not seeing this, he is still of the opinion that she won't be able the handle the job very well.

Stubeck and BillyEdit

Stubeck and Billy stake out the Pink Motel in Sun Valley for vampire prostitution. While waiting to launch their sting, Stubeck chastises Billy for wearing sunglasses at night and later making fun of the way he tries to act tough and serious when talking to the camera. Stubeck points out that he does the job for his family, showing them a picture that is blurred out so as not to reveal their identity. Billy pulls up a picture on his phone saying that he does the job for a pair of hookers, which warrants Stubeck to chastise him again until they see a man entering the room of a known vampire prostitute. Before proceeding with the sting, Billy wants to take a picture of Stubeck doing an action pose with his gun.

They bust in and arrest the man and the vampire prostitute, who Stubeck knows as Sophia. Stubeck tries to chastise Sophia for engaging in the work that she does while also chastising Billy for the macho behavior he displays for the camera before sending him to check the back. Once in the back, Billy is knocked down by a large male vampire. The male proceeds to attack Stubeck. Sofia attempts to help the other vampire, though when Stubeck fights back he holds back from hitting Sophia. The vampire pins Stubeck against the wall when Billy comes to. He forcefully takes the boom pole from sound guy Rodney, breaks it in half to make a stake, and plunges it through the male vampire from behind with it going through his heart and killing him. Billy notes while putting on sunglasses, "You know what they say about boom poles? You never hear them coming." Stubeck admits that's a good line, but then says Billy ruins it by replying "Effin' eh!"

The two return to the station with Stubeck booking Sophia and reporting to Dashell while Billy returns to the bathroom, having had another choco taco and a slurpee. While being booked, Sophia claims that Billy killed the wrong vampire, who the cops believed to have been her pimp. Stubeck checks on Billy before they go home, only to receive no answer. Going into the bathroom, he finds it empty. One of the floor in one of the stalls, Stubeck finds Billy's sunglasses and phone along with some drops of blood, a sign that he has been kidnapped by the vampires.

Stubeck and Dashell discuss the situation, noting that Sophia is not talking. Stubeck says the vampires left a video message on Billy's phone, though they have to sort through all of the porn that Billy has saved on there, during which the zombie attack on Kirsten occurs. In the video, the vampires demand that Stubeck come alone with the body of the vampire Billy killed to Griffith Park in Burbank or else Billy will die. Stubeck and Dashell try to determine how to best proceed with the situation with Stubeck wanting back up while Dashell appearing to take the threat of the vampires seriously.

Stubeck eventually arrives in Griffith Park alone with the body. After a clan vampires pat Stubeck down for weapons, their leader demands to see the body of the vampire named Mateo. Stubeck wants to make sure Billy is alive, but relents and pulls the body out of the car. The leader has Stubeck drop to his knees and place his hands behind his head. The leader confirms the body is that of Mateo, who is revealed to be the leader's brother, and places a pendant over its chest. They bring out a bound Billy and the leader orders one of the others to kill Billy. Stubeck then reaches into Mateo's stomach and pulls out a gun, using it to kill Billy's would-be assassain with a headshot. Before the other vampires in the clan can descend upon them, Stubeck hits a button to turn on a series of UV flood lights from the car, buying him time to retrieve Billy and escape.

Rinaldi and John-JohnEdit

Rinaldi and John-John are patrolling North Hollywood. The camera crew asks why people stay in the Valley despite the appearance of supernatural beings. John-John retorts by noting how expensive it is to live elsewhere, such as Malibu. Rinadi would then proceed to poke fun at John-John by saying that she could picture him living it up in Malibu and having a cook-out with Mel Gibson.

They later receive a dispatch of a 1-11 at Wiggly's Doughnuts, which they take. When the camera crew ask what that means, Rinaldi explain that a 1-11 means that a slow walking zombie has been sighted. She further explains that zombies start out being able to maneuver regularly, but the longer they remain undead they start to lack mobility. Upon arriving at Wiggly's Doughnuts, John-John starts picking out a dozen doughnuts, not concerned about the zombie that appears to be merely standing in place. Rinaldi believes the zombie is trying to eat a doughnut, but John-John points out its actually a human hand. Sound guy Rodney accidentlly knocks something, attracting an employee that has been turned into a zombie. John-John drops the employee zombie with an overhead metal bat swing to the head while Rinaldi puts down the original slow moving zombie as precaution before ordering John-John to check the back.

In the back, John-John first sees a red poddle that turns out to be spilt syrup. He then spots two more employees who have been turned into zombies. The zombified employees immediately rush out to attack with Rinaldi and John-John each handling one. Throughout their struggle, sound guy Rodney is screaming the whole time. After both officers put down their attacking zombies by bashing their brains in with metal objects, they get Rodney to stop screaming and calm down. Rodney tries to laugh off his experience of the whole night until the first employee zombie jumps back up and bites him on the arm. Rinaldi puts the zombie down with a headshot and the two observe that Rodney has been bitten. Rodney tries to plead that they need him to be their sound guy, but John-John retorts that in the Valley "there's lots of sound guys" before killing him with an overhead metal bat swing to the head.

From the Files Extra EndingEdit

Stubeck and Billy pull over a truck in which the driver is clearly turning into a werewolf. The driver tries to talk his way out of being arrested, complaining that he was at the library and it was taking so long to access something online. Just as Stubeck is about to cuff him, he distracts him by making him look the other way and then takes off. The officers pursue with Stubeck chastising Billy for not chasing the driver immediately. Later, Stubeck proclaims that they are letting the werewolf go since he's transformation reached the stage where he could easily outrun them.

Songs FeaturedEdit

  • "Witch's Milk" - Rumspringa
  • "Beat Me" - Above Envy
  • "Ulser Soul" - The Willowz
  • "Part of the Scene" - Pretty Whores
  • Unidentified Flash Lightenin Song
  • Unidentified Black Toast Music Song
  • "Meet Your Demise" - The Willowz
  • "Poison" - Winnebago Deal
  • "We Live Underground" - Lights On