Help Us Help You
Season 1, Episode 2
First Aired September 5, 2011
Director Eric Appel
Teleplay Eric Weinberg
Episode Guide
"Blood Vessels"

Stubeck is worried about a vampire prostitute after he and Billy release her from the station. Meanwhile, teen vigilantes go after zombies, and Dashell takes Kirsten out on the beat.

Plot summaryEdit

Cold OpenEdit

Stubeck and Billy are having lunch in their car, with Billy wondering why food that smell bad taste good, when they see a blonde woman being chased by zombies. Much to their annoyance since it is a Monday, they nonetheless put the zombies down. The woman and Billy recognize one another, though Billy can't remember her name until she tells him it's Lindsay. Lindsay than proceeds to complain to Billy about not calling her back after their date, instead texting her. She is further angry that the date was him taking her to Santa Anita for horse racing, sitting front row where they could smell the horse manure. Billy tries to apologize so they can get her to the station to get cleaned up, but then she flips after seeing the camera man zoom in on her breasts. Billy and Stubeck decide to leave with her complaining about their apparent lack of interest in her safety when a third zombie appears and bites her on the arm. The cops put the zombie down, but Lindsay continues to complain about what terrible cops they are. Stuback says he could put her down he Billy doesn't want to, but Billy clearly does just so he can finally shut her up.


Captain Dashell beings the briefing by welcoming back Billy from his short hospital stay. He also adds his condolences to the previous sound guy for the camera crew, Rodney, who Rinaldi and John-John had to put down after he was bitten by a zombie at the doughnut shop. Dashell then welcomes the new sound guy Jamie, who he mistakenly calls Roger. Jamie notes that he is an outdoor guy and can be found snowboarding in his free time before Dashell shuts him up.

The final order of business of the night is informing the unit of the Monster Awareness Campaign they are launching with three key posters: The first labeled "Help Us, Help You" in which a woman informs an officer of something happening, the second labeled "Don't be a sucker" with a close up of a teenager turned vampire, and the third labeled "Partners provide protection" with a picture of Stubeck and Billy hugging. Rinaldi and Billy consider the last poster to be gay, which Stubeck objects to. Dashell drops the conversation with a saying that no one gets before telling them to "get out there and kill something!"

Dashell and KirstenEdit

Kirsten is working out, which gets so physical that she ends up accidentally knocking down the trainer with a spinning roundhouse kick. Dashell appears, wondering if she is merely doing jazzercise, before informing her that he will be taking her out onto her first patrol. After an excited Kirsten leaves, Dashell does a failed attempt at a martial arts move on a nearby punching bag.

As they patrol Granada Hills, Dashell tells Kirsten what he thinks of each creature. He calls zombies a cross between hobos and poo, vampires douchbags due to their involvement in drugs, money laundring, and the sex-for-blood trade. When Kirsten asks about werewolves, he considers them a sad situation. He then tells her of his old partner, who a year ago was walking his dog when they were attacked by a werewolf. The dog was killed, but he got bit and now must spend every full moon locked up to keep from hurting people. When Dashell last spoke to his partner's wife, she mentioned that she had her first orgasim at the last full moon. Dispatch calls in of a creature having been trapped in an attic near where Dashell and Kirsten are. Dashell appears to reluctantly take the call after Kirsten asks if they were going to respond.

They arrive at the residence, which Kirsten notes is in a nice neighborhood, and meet the home owners Erin and Vanessa. They had just moved in and were about to go asleep when their noticed their dog continue to bark at the attic. Unsure of what to do, they remembered the posters and thus called for their help. After Dashell constant talking of nonsense and correcting himself of innuendos makes everyone else uncomfortable, he looks up in the attic and notes that it is merely a roof rat. Kirsten feels they should take care of it any way since they are there, to Dashell reluctantly agrees. However, he gets spooked very easily by the rat jumping out of the attic.

Dashell starts to overreact in a desparate attempt to put the roof rat down to the point of scaring the bewildered home owners and Kirsten. He then unreasonably attempts to smoke out the rat by overheating the fireplace, which sets off the smoke alarm.

He spirals out of control when he damaging the home owners property, bust Erin in the lip, and then pulls out his gun fires at the rat. He is finally able to grab the rat and throw it into the fire place, covering the front with a nearby painting as a precaution. While he is proud of finally taking out the roof rat, the home owners and Kirsten are very much disturbed by his actions.

Rinaldi and John-JohnEdit

In Chatsworth, Rinaldi and John-John have already responded to a call that a couple of teenagers are attacking a slow moving zombie. They spot the teens knocking the zombie down before they exit their car to meet with the cops. When asked what they are doing, they respond that they are merely "helping them" like it says on the signs. John-John chastises them for not calling the cops like they're supposed to and then adding that baseball bats are hardly the best choice of weapons, even though he nails the zombie in the head with one. Rinaldi proceeds to "properly take care" of the zombie with a headshot before telling the teenagers to go home.

They next arrive in Toluca Lake, spotting some more teenagers beating on zombies in a baseball field. As they are chastising the teens, John-John calls them "Meet the Fockers," explaining to a bewildered Rinaldi that he's been told he swears too much and Jamie adds that he's not sure how many bleeps they are allowed. Like that last pair, this group of teenagers were inspired by the posters to beat up zombies. Rinaldi and John-John remind them that they've been lucky because they're attacking slow moving zombies, but would have been seriously hurt encountering the fresh zombies with John-John pointing out that their sound guy is a replacement because of the previous one not paying attention. Rinaldi moves the teens aside and puts down the three zombies. As the Rinaldi, John-John, and Jamie leave, the teens tell them to say "Hi" to the gay cops for them.

Rinaldi and John-John later return to the baseball field, in disbelief that the teens are still there. However, one of them turns around to reveal that he is now a zombie and rushes after John-John.

The other three teenagers begin running after Rinaldi. Rinaldi is able to put two of them down, but runs out of ammo before she could take the third down. Meanwhile, John-John is able to fight off the first teen and makes way into the batting cages where he takes out a new slow moving zombie and a new fast moving zombie. Rinaldi tells John-John the remaining two are behind him. He manages to take the first one out with a headshot just before it is impaled through his gun and fist. He is able to maintain a good aim to eliminate the last zombie. Jamie manages to avoid getting bit, thereby receiving a fist-bump from John-John after having failed to give him one earlier.

Stubeck and BillyEdit

Stubeck and Billy inform Sophia that she is free to go. Stubeck asks her if there is any one she can call, to which she replies that there is no one. When Billy wonders why, she states that by getting Mateo killed there will be no one coming for her. Stubeck decides that he and Billy will drop her off, which Billy does not like. As Stubeck leaves to quickly use the bathroom, an officer brings in a female werewolf Billy flirts with.

They drive out to Sun Valley, where Stubeck explains to Sophia that what she's been doing is wrong. He uses his family, even showing her a picture of them, to illustrate his desire to see her doing better with herself. During the entire ride, Billy continues using macho behavior on her. When he asks her if her family knows she's a vampire, she tells him that her brother knows because of a friend of his she used to date. When Stuback asks where she lives, she chokes up and says she doesn't live any where. Stubeck gets her to promise to do better with herself before letting her off. Billy wants to grab something to eat, but Stubeck wants to first see where she goes.

In tailing Sophia, they find her returning to the Pink Hotel much to Stubeck's disappointment. Billy notes that she is going to remain a vampire and a prostitute, to which Stubeck states that she may have once not been one. After a back and forth exchange, Billy immediately points out Stubeck's parental instincts clouding his judgment as a part of the unit. Billy wants to bust her, but Stubeck reminds him that they have to catch her in the act. Billy then shows that he was not bluffing earlier when he threatened Sofia that the hotel was installed with cameras and shows Stubeck on his laptop the live feed of Sophia about to resume in the sex-for-blood trade.

Stubeck and Billy watch the feed of Sophia's hotel room, waiting for an act to happen so they have cause to bust in. In the meantime, Billy starts sickening Stubeck with nasty talk about if he were a pimp he would have sex with his prostitutes and later insinuates having no problem French kissing his mother, who he describes as hot. Stubeck can't stomach watching Sophia in the act until Billy notes that the man she is with is choking her with his belt. Realizing the man is trying to kill her, the cops immediately bust in. However, the room appears empty. After checking the back room, Stubeck looks into the bathroom and finds Sophia lying in the tub dead, apparently having been staked through the heart. A crash causes Billy to chase after the killer, but Stubeck stays behind to cover up Sofia. When Stubeck walks out of the hotel room, Billy emerges to tell him that the killer got away and apologizes for what happened to Sophia. Stubeck responds by repeating Billy's earlier statement that he "can't save the world." Billy then reminds Stubeck that his kids wake up in three hours and that he should go home and sleep so that he can wake up and make them lunch as usual.

Songs FeaturedEdit

  • "The Bringdown" - Billy Harvey
  • "It Ain't Cool" - Christian and the 2120's
  • "The Whole Truth" - Heavy Young Heathens
  • Unidentified Rumspringa Song
  • "Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up" - Heavy Young Heathens
  • "Put Together" - The Willowz
  • "Jackie Come Lately" - Heavy Young Heathens
  • "Supergirl" - Bullet & Snowfox